


touch down like a seven four seven

by performanceunit



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Cheating, Infidelity, M/M, Romance, no actual cheating scene or anything tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-08
Updated: 2015-12-08
Packaged: 2018-05-05 15:57:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5381231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/performanceunit/pseuds/performanceunit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>chanyeol is twenty-eight and kyungsoo is twenty-seven, it’s december, it’s snowing and it’s raining, exo have disbanded - but most of all, chanyeol cheated on kyungsoo and he wants to make it better again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	touch down like a seven four seven

**Author's Note:**

> hello ! this is my first chansoo one-shot ! also my first one-shot on ao3.  
> this was from a story i've already written about another pairing (cough a het pairing cough) i just switched it around to match kyungsoo and chanyeol. because i love kyungsoo and chanyeol with all of my heart.  
> so if you see a piece of writing that has the exact same words, it's from the same person. aka me.

The rain is falling in sheets and the clouds are intimidating. The thunder doesn’t faze him; it keeps him sane. He doesn’t flinch.

Chanyeol watches him from a distance - from the other side of the street. He watches as the rain kisses his skin. And he watches, when they step into the warm coffee shop, with lit-up signs hanging on the windows and the faint jazz music playing. Fading out with every second that passes and as the door closes.

He knows now that he misses him.

➳➳➳

He stuffs his almost-frozen into the coat’s pockets - head down as he crosses the street and how the headlights beautifully illuminate the road and his body. But it’s not enough for him to realise a car nearly runs him over and beeps its horn at him - and he still doesn’t flinch.

He’ll take pain whenever.

When he reaches the other side of the street, it feels almost colder. He’s standing in front of the coffee shop - the door isn’t open - yet, he can still feel the welcoming warmth radiating from the inside. Looking into the window, he sees him. For a second, he wishes he hadn’t met him. But, he probably wishes he hadn’t either.

It wasn’t enough to keep a romance sweet.

He takes a deep breath, opening the coffee shop quietly. The warmth engulfs him completely, the cold forgotten. His head is down still, because he knows if he ever saw him again, he’d never forgive him. But he was selfish - he wanted to see him.

There’s a sad look on his face when he finally looks up. His boyfriend has a sad look too. What went wrong? He studied his face carefully, and he knows he’s grown sad. He was the reason why.

That’s how the story goes - be there for him, kiss him, and ask him what’s wrong. But he already knows the answer, and he thinks, he could fix it.

Maybe he couldn’t.

➳➳➳

_“You’re acting strange. Is everything okay?” Kyungsoo asked. There was a worried look on his face and that was the last thing Chanyeol wanted. Kyungsoo wrapped an arm around him. He didn’t answer him so he changed the subject. “Junmyeon - he booked the tickets for us. The least he could do. We could always take him with us, if that was okay with you. I wouldn’t mind,” he breathed. But he still hadn’t answered. “Or not.”_

_Kyungsoo’s heart was beating hard in his chest. He took Chanyeol’s chin gently in his fingers, pulling him up to look at him. “This is a big step - I want you to know, I’m glad you’re here with me. If you want out, just say so. Please, just tell me what’s wrong.”_

_Chanyeol pulled away from his touch. “Stop,” he almost whimpered. And everything went still. It felt like years._

_It hits them like a train. They’re sitting there, making plans more important than anything in the world. And in this moment, he can’t even look at him._

_“Are you okay? You need to tell me, please,” Kyungsoo asked gently. He was almost begging. He watched him as his hair fell down in front of his face, closing his eyes and taking a breath. He swore he saw a tear fall. “Please tell me what’s wrong.”_

_“Kyungsoo, please, don’t,” he murmured, “just don’t.“_

_"I don’t understand, we’ve been planning this for weeks. Months, even. You’re scaring the hell out of me, please, we’re on a plane in three days. You can’t even look at me. Tell me and I’ll fix it, I promise.”_

_For the first time in what felt like years, he finally looked at him. “Kyungsoo, we need to…”_

_“No, not now,” Kyungsoo said, his voice breaking. “Not like this - you can’t. We’re moving cities - countries. Don’t do this to me.”_

_And Chanyeol’s eyes started to fill with tears, his bottom lip trembling. “No, I couldn’t. I’m not leaving you,” he said, brokenly. There’s heaviness in his voice and Kyungsoo can’t figure it out. “I can’t. I messed up, Chanyeol. I fucked up, and I’m so, so sorry.”_

_“You can tell me, okay? I’ll fix it,” he said slowly, rubbing his back. Kyungsoo’s blood was turning cold and he swallowed the panic building up in his throat._

_“You can’t fix this, Kyungsoo. Not this time. Stop looking at me like you can fix it.”_

_“I can. I will. I love you, okay? I’ll do anything, and I’m here for you always - whatever it is…”_

_“I slept with someone else.”_

_Now Kyungsoo knows why Chanyeol felt so far away._

_Then he feels his thoughts revert to nothing - absolutely nothing. He can feel his heart skipping beats, he can feel his head drowning, he can feel his blood stop flowing, he can feel his limbs locking into place and he can feel his eyes forgetting to blink. Yet, all the while, he doesn’t care._

_“You what?” Kyungsoo breathed, backing away from him, releasing his arm from Chanyeol’s shoulder._

_That’s when the tears start to fall and it feels like they’re the cause of the ground shattering beneath them. Kyungsoo's eyes weren’t full of life anymore, like they always were. Everything is silent and everything is constant. Chanyeol’s knuckles are white from gripping onto nothing._

_“I’m sorry,” he said, his voice shaking. “I’m so, so sorry,” and it feels like a bullet. His eyes squeeze shut and he’s afraid that his heart is going to explode. It feels like he’s dying._

_“Okay,” Kyungsoo started, barely audible. There’s denial rising in his chest. Before he realises it, he’s asking questions with no answers. He’s avoiding the one question he wants to ask. “Are we talking about during comebacks? When we recorded our album? When?” There’s nausea filling up too, then there’s tears filling his own eyes when he sees Chanyeol s eyes burning into the carpet._

_“Please don’t say it was this year. Don’t say it was after we made those plans. Don’t you dare - don’t do this to me.”_

_Chanyeol’s swallows the lump in his throat and more tears fall._

_And that’s all Kyungsoo needs._

➳➳➳

“Sir? We’re closing up now. We’re going to have to ask you to leave.“

How long had it been since he came here? When did everybody leave? "Just five more minutes,” he muttered.

"You’ve been here for nearly two hours. Many people are concerned for your well-being.”

He finally stands up. “No one cares about me,” he murmured to himself. He didn’t want to pick a fight, not that there would be. As he walked past, giving a side-eye, he does a double take. “What the hell? Jongin?”

“Oh, Chanyeol, hi! I had no clue that was you. Did you want something? You can leave when I close up, I’m so sorry!” Jongin said, smiling.

“Right,” Chanyeol’s eyes darted around the room. “Since when did you work here?“ he asked, taking down his hoodie.

"For a while, I guess. I’ve been promoted to assistant manager, how amazing is that?”

“That’s pretty amazing,” he said. “Congratulations.”

“Thank you,” Jongin said, then he realised the look on his face. “How have you been? Are you holding up okay?”

“Not really,” he sighed, running his hand through his hair. “Why are you talking to me?”

Jongin didn’t seem taken aback. “I know you need a friend. I’m sorry that we left you. You were wrong for doing that, but I guess I’ve learnt forgiveness,” he said, putting his hands on Chanyeol’s shoulders. “Cheer up, Yeol.”

➳➳➳

Kyungsoo was with someone else. A good four months since it’s happened and Chanyeol’s glad he’s moved on.

He’ll admit, even though he really doesn’t want to - he was a real stunner. Soft, brown waves of hair, and his voice was like honey - sweet, warm, comforting. He could sing too. Like Chanyeol - like Kyungsoo. Even the worst person in the world could love him. And Chanyeol swore he had hazel eyes - the colour of autumn.

Chanyeol knew Kyungsoo liked autumn - winter even. Maybe that’s why.

And Chanyeol knows that the boy was better than he ever was.

➳➳➳

Jongin came back with two steaming mugs of tea. “So,” he murmured, taking a sip from his mug. “How have you been?”

“You already asked that,” he said, his nimble and almost frostbitten fingers wrapping around the handle and pulling the mug towards him. He took a sip too, not expecting the burning sensation atop his tongue but he keeps drinking anyway.

“How have you really been?” Jongin asked, narrowing his eyes at Chanyeol over the brim of the mug.

Chanyeol put the mug down. “I don’t know. I don’t know how I’ve been,” there’s a silence between them, as he broke eye contact and diverted his attention to the rain slamming down on the roof. “How is he, then?”

“He’s okay.”

Chanyeol looked back at him and scoffed, a small smile on his lips. “Don’t lie to me.“

Jongin nodded and cocked his head a little bit, looking down at his tea. "He’s happy.”

“That’s all I needed to hear.”

➳➳➳

The music is blaring in his ears and the lights are flashing in his eyes. And the cup in his hand is filled with water.

“Kyungsoo!” Baekhyun yelled, swinging an arm around his shoulders. His erratic movements swung Kyungsoo around, the vodka in his cup splashing onto the ground. “Have some fun!”

“Okay, Baek, you’re drunk,” Kyungsoo chuckled, steadying him. “And what are you talking about? I’m having fun right here, on my bar stool. Bar stools can be fun too.”

“Stop stressing!”

“I wasn’t even stressing about anything.”

“You should’ve stayed home if you’re not gonna do anything, man,” Baekhyun laughed, going to lift whatever was in his hand to his lips, only to be greeted by nothing. He frowned. “Where did my drink go?“

"It’s on the ground,” Kyungsoo rolled his eyes. “Besides, I’m the driver here. I’m staying sober.”

“We’ll take a taxi! Don’t worry!” Baekhyun yelled exaggeratingly again, reaching around in Kyungsoo’s back pockets to snatch the keys.

Kyungsoo slapped his hand and put his hand on Baekhyun’s chest, pushing him lightly. "And leave my car at this club? You thought wrong,” Kyungsoo stared at him, enough to drive him away.

“Fine, I’m going. I’m gone.”

Okay, fine. Baekhyun was right, even though he never is. He should’ve stayed home.

Kyungsoo walked out of the club, to his car as he leaned on the door, pulling his phone out. “Jongdae?”

“Kyungsoo! What’s up?” Jongdae shouted into the phone, mixed with the blaring music in the background.

“Can you guys take a taxi? I’m heading back home. Got some stuff to do.”

“Sure thing. Everything alright?”

“Yeah,” Kyungsoo chuckled. “Everything’s alright. Stay safe, have a good night.”

“You too!” Jongdae yelled once more as Kyungsoo hung up. He hopped into his car and drove home without a single thought - but he swore there was one lingering in the back of his head. He couldn’t quite figure it out.

He fell asleep with no one by his side for the thirteenth time in three months.

It’s not like he’s counting or anything.

➳➳➳

“See you ‘round, Jongin. Thanks for tonight, I really appreciate it,” he said, standing on Jongin’s doorstep.

Jongin bit his lip and nodded. “Do you want to come inside? It’s dark and cold out - your home is almost three miles away.”

“I can walk three miles.”

“Oh, just come inside.”

Jongin pulled him into his apartment, greeted with clean cream walls and mahogany wooden floors. There was a warm, crackling fire in the living room and nostalgia rested in his stomach.

There was a loud clang in the kitchen, followed by a, “fuck’s sake!“ as Jongin shut the door. “Jongin, is that you?”

“Yeah, I’m home!” Jongin shouted back, taking his coat off and putting it on the coat rack, Chanyeol following him.

He recognised the voice down the hallway. He remembered that Sehun was Jongin’s roommate. And Sehun despised him. “How was work?” Sehun asked as he stepped into the hallway, meeting his eyes.

Chanyeol gave a small, nervous smile and now he really, really wanted to walk those three miles. “What is he doing here?” Sehun asked, walking towards them.

“I invited him over. He’s sleeping here tonight - the rain just won’t stop.”

Sehun scoffed. “What? Are you homeless now?”

“That’s not something to laugh about, Sehun,” Jongin said.

“Who’s laughing?” Sehun said, approaching Chanyeol, face to face. “You broke our best friend’s heart. You were the best thing that’s ever happened to him, and what do you do? You go around, sleeping with other people. You made him suffer. You can’t be here.”

Jongin lost it. “Sehun!”

“Stop!” Chanyeol yelled at the both of them - mostly Sehun - and he looked at Sehun in the eyes. He was tired. “You don’t deserve to treat me like this - I know what I did. Why do you need to remind me? It’s not like I’m okay with any of this. It’s been four months, Sehun. Fucking let it go! Haven’t you heard? He’s happy. If you’re his best friend, why aren’t you happy too? Why haven’t you moved on like he has?”

A smug smile poked at the corner of Sehun’s lips. “Clearly, you haven’t.”

With that, Sehun turned his back towards him and walked off.

➳➳➳

He was right. Chanyeol knows Sehun was right.

That was the first thought in his head when he woke up.

In three days, it’ll be five months and he hasn’t done a single thing to make things right between them.

Hell, what was he supposed to do? Talk to him? Pine for him? What was the point? Kyungsoo wouldn’t come back for him. Chanyeol reckons he wouldn’t have come back if Kyungsoo was the one who did it to him instead. He winces at the thought.

Chanyeol couldn’t move on but Kyungsoo has. He can’t even think about him without wanting to throw himself in front of a train. He wants to fix everything even though he said so himself that he couldn’t. But it was going to be five months of doing nothing. Doing nothing to make things right. He needed to try - he needed to fix it.

His thoughts are interrupted. “Hey, did you sleep okay?”

Chanyeol sat up on the couch, rubbing his eyes. “Yeah - thanks for letting me sleep over.”

“It’s no big deal,” Jongin sighed, sitting on the end of the couch. He gave a soft smile but it soon faded from his face. “I’m sorry about last night.”

“Don’t be - Sehun was right,” he murmured. “It’s destroying me. It’s come to the point where I’m watching him, where he goes, how he moves, when he leaves. I just want to know if he was doing okay, you know? I never want him to get hurt like I hurt him. I just want - I need to fix everything.”

Jongin gave a soft smile again. “But - you said so yourself, Yeol. He’s moved on. You need to find someone else, move on, go out. Find adventure - you know you love that.”

Chanyeol looked up at him. “It’s not that easy.”

“It was for him.”

His breath hitched in his throat. Was it actually? What if wasn’t?

Chanyeol turned away from Jongin, falling back down on the couch and shutting the world out.

➳➳➳

“Hey, I’m heading to work, do you want to tag along?” Jongin asked from the front door, shrugging his coat on.

“I think I’ll come later,” Chanyeol replied, his knees to his chest as he stared into the embers of the fire.

“Sehun will be home soon,” Jongin chuckled. “Don’t fight with each other, okay? See you soon. And I’m sorry for earlier. You know I didn’t mean it that way.” Jongin looked at Chanyeol’s sad eyes before the door closed.

Chanyeol can’t take it anymore. He picks up his phone, scrolling through his contacts. When he reaches his name, he wonders why he hasn’t deleted it yet. There’s an urge to throw the phone into the fire, watch it burst into flames with everything it has. Ten seconds pass and he hasn’t done it yet, gripping his phone with white knuckles. Might as well call him.

Pressing the name, there’s a slight hint of regret swimming around in his head - nonetheless, he puts it to his ear and listens to every ring that passes. There’s seven rings until he hears a rustle on the other side, opening his mouth when -

“Hey, this is Do Kyungsoo. I’m probably busy right now,” There’s a small laugh after that. “Leave your name and number - oh, and a message for sure. I’ll get back to you soon. Bye!”

That’s the closest he’ll ever get to hear his voice again. And he realises, that he’s never heard his voicemail before - because he’s always answered his calls.

And he was the one who made him laugh.

➳➳➳

He wakes up.

Blinded by the sunlight pouring in through the breaks of the blinds - his phone is vibrating with the notification of a missed call. Kyungsoo looks at his phone, his vision blurry and stained with sleep. It reads Chanyeol’s name.

His head hurts and he throws his phone to the other side of the bed, hearing it bounce two times and hit the ground. That’s how he knows that he isn’t there.

Again.

➳➳➳

 

**To: Jongin  
From: yeol**

_hey jongin. im leaving now. sehun came home. i wont be stopping by the shop bc i got some things to do. but 2morrow, for sure. thanks for everything_

 

**To: yeol  
From: Jongin**

_that’s okay. pls make things work with sehun. i hate what happened last night. promise you’ll be happy :)_

 

**To: Jongin  
From: yeol**

_i promise_

Promise was a big word. He doesn’t know if he could live up to it.

➳➳➳

“What were you doing last night?” Kyungsoo asked.

“Sorry, Soo. I got carried away with some friends - had to sleep over,” he said, smiling softly.

“And now you’re taking night shift?”

“I have to - I need this promotion, Kyungsoo. I thought you would understand,” he sighed, walking over to him.

“I do understand. What makes you think I don’t?” Kyungsoo said, furrowing his eyebrows.

“I have to go,” he said, kissing his forehead. He walked over to the door, making his way out. “Love you.”

Kyungsoo closed the door behind him. “Love you too,” he murmured, resting his forehead against the door. There was always a pang in his heart whenever he said that - whenever he said, “I love you”. But this time, there wasn’t.

So now, it’s three in the morning and he left at eight and Kyungsoo can’t sleep. He doesn’t bother trying. But when he does, his phone rings for the fifth time that night. He let it ring, but he declined it every time after. It feels like they’re fighting - ringing faster every time and declining just as fast.

The next call doesn’t come and he assumed he gave up. He lets himself think that he can actually go to sleep, closing his eyes. But there’s a small beep. Instead, it’s a text.

 

**To: Kyungsoo**

**From: Park Chanyeol**

_please pick up. talk to me_

 

And he knows he shouldn’t reply.

But he does anyway.

 

**To: Park Chanyeol  
From: Kyungsoo**

_I can’t._

 

**To: Kyungsoo  
From: Park Chanyeol**

_i’m so sorry_

 

A good five minutes pass before Chanyeol's phone is ringing with his name. Chanyeol’s heart drops down to his stomach and he’s hovering over the accept button. But it’s too late when he hears his own voice - his voicemail, over the phone.

Chanyeol listens to every single thing that’s happening. He hears Kyungsoo's breath on the other side of the phone, his voice shaking and it nearly makes him cry.

_It’s three in the morning and I’m in bed. And you know what? Every night since then… every single, god damn time, I’ve climbed into bed, I think of you. Do you – do you know how unfair that is? You’re still in my head after you broke me. We were moving countries. We were finished with EXO. And we decided to stay together. Out of all people - it was us. We were moving countries, away from our friends and our family just so we could experience the world. I know you wanted to travel the world, so I figured, why can’t I? I did that for you - but I didn’t need to move away to experience what I already had. You were my world._

_And then you treat it like it’s nothing - like it’s bullshit. You slept with someone else. Hell, I wish I knew the guy so I could bash his face in! But then again, I don’t want to waste my breath or energy on him. I hope you’re happy with him because I know I’m happy with who I’m with. You come waltzing in calling me and texting me that you’re sorry. It’s been, how many months? Are you counting? Because I’m not. I’m glad I’m not._

_Do you know what I hate most about myself? Even though you broke me - I would still fight until every single bone in my body broke just to protect you. To this day, I still would. I always did. I hate myself for that. And I keep telling myself that you never loved me at all because do you know what’s more terrifying? The possibility that you truly did love me like I loved you - but then all of a sudden, you stopped. You stopped loving me. That’s more terrifying than knowing that you might have never loved me at all._

_I hate you so much, sometimes. I want you to know that. I hate you more than I’ve ever hated anyone and - I miss you so much. I miss you so fucking much, you don’t even know. You used to be there, by my side, since university - since pre-debut. Can you believe that? We’re twenty-eight now and it’s been seven years since we debuted and since we’ve been together. And nearly five months ago - I lied, I did count - for the first time in eleven years, you weren’t there anymore. I don’t even know how I managed to wake up without you there - but I did. Tomorrow is a new day but I’ll still miss you._

_I was so happy. How did I not realise that you weren’t? You slept with someone else. What did I do? I don’t know what I did to drive you away. How am I meant to go on with any day for the rest of my life knowing that you slept with someone else… while I thought that we were happy? That we were good together? What did I do?_

_But guess what? I love you. Of course I do, of course I still do and I always will. Do you know how hard it is to let someone go when they’ve been there for eleven years? It’s the last thing I want with you. I’m truly pathetic to even think that, let alone say it to you on the other line when I’m with someone else. This is what you did to me. You couldn’t find it within yourself to tell me what was wrong; to satisfy only yourself and not fix it between the two of us._

_And when I saw you for the first time, I thought - he’s going to be the boy who’s going to ruin my life. You were going to be the boy that I was going to fall in love with - I still am. I swear to god, you could shatter me with a single glance. I was the kind of person who was difficult to love. I knew that. But I saw you and you were different. I felt like you weren’t going to break through me. You weren’t going to know me enough to love me. I thought you were going to see right through me, but a part of me knew that you wouldn’t - and you didn’t. You saw me for who I was. And I love you for that. I love you, so, so, much for that. Thank you. But I’m so fed up with looking for you in everybody else. You are, and always worth coming apart for._

_I’m so tired, Chanyeol, please, go to bed. I’m so, so tired._

Then he hears the line go dead.

He realises that Kyungsoo has been counting the months too - and there’s tears streaming down his face. He doesn't know when he started crying.

➳➳➳

It’s been two days since Kyungsoo talked to him and he’s cried himself to sleep for the both of them. But he goes out and makes himself walk three miles to Sehun and Jongin’s apartment.

At their door, his eyes are bloodshot from the lack of sleep and the amount of tears. It’s pathetic.

Chanyeol knocks on the door, taking a deep breath before it swings open. Sehun is standing there, and Chanyeol doesn’t even get to say anything before he slams the door closed.

“No, Sehun, please,” he begged, pounding his fists on the door until he can feel them burning and going red, on the verge of breaking down.

“If you want to talk to Jongin, I’m afraid he’s not here,” Sehun shouted from behind the door.

“But I want to talk to you,” Chanyeol replied.

It’s a while until the door opens. Sehun hesitates before he let him in.

➳➳➳

“Well, why the hell are you crying?” Not a hint of sympathy rested in Sehun’s voice.

“I texted him.”

“You idiot.”

“Then he called me.”

“That idiot.”

Chanyeol sighed. “Just hear me out. I just - I need someone right now. I don’t know what to feel, I don’t know what to do. I’m all over the place, Sehun. Please, just help me. I can’t think straight,” he said, placing his phone on the table.

“Well, you aren’t straight, that’s for sure,” Sehun scoffed before his eyes landed on the glass table. “What’s this?” he muttered, taking the phone and looking at the brightly-lit up screen.

“Just press play,” Chanyeol said. The phone played the voicemail, and he fought every nerve in her body that made him want to cry.

Sehun sighed, running his hand through his hair. “There’s something you need to know. I should be telling Kyungsoo but might as well tell you, now that you’re here.”

“What are you talking about?”

“When you came here with Jongin… I practically just came back from the club. I was with Kyungsoo, Jongdae and Baekhyun. But I decided to come home early. Before that, I asked Kyungsoo why his boyfriend didn’t come with him and he said he was at a friend’s party on the other side of the city,” Sehun explained. “So I was driving on my way back and there’s another club, you see. There’s loads of people on the street, and I see him. Outside the club, waiting in line. I see him with another guy. His arm over his shoulder, his mouth all over him. It was gross.

I was supposed to tell Jongin but I forgot because you came over. I did eventually, when you left. Now I told you, and now I need to tell Kyungsoo. He needs to know. He can’t get hurt again.”

Chanyeol feels his heart shatter into a million pieces.

Why was Sehun always right?

➳➳➳

Kyungsoo keeps repeating it in his head - “I promise I won’t hurt you like Park Chanyeol did. You don’t deserve that. You never did.” His thoughts shower his brain for hours. But he gets out of bed nevertheless.

He makes himself a coffee, goes on social media, reads the news. Everything feels normal, like nothing ever happened. It felt like yesterday. It’ll feel like tomorrow.

So, Kyungsoo left him last night. The inevitable happened. He grew to learn that he was hiding something, that it was something big. Of course he was cheating on him. He knew. Sehun just made it official.

He felt, almost sadistic - Kyungsoo wanted him to admit it to him - to his face, even though he knew every little detail of that one night. Just to see how it felt; how it felt to know. How it feels to be faced with the truth and not to be lied to on your ass.

It went on for four months. A month after they got together.

Kyungsoo thought for a moment whether he was good enough or not. But he decided that he just didn’t care anymore.

Well.

What can you do?

➳➳➳

Kyungsoo doesn’t bother sleeping again that night. He swears he’ll suffer from insomnia if it lasts any longer. He lets his phone ring, dragging on and on. Then, he receives a text. He was sort of waiting for it.

 

**To: Kyungsoo  
From: Park Chanyeol**

_hey, i didnt get the chance to talk to you the other night. do you want to talk?_

 

**To: Park Chanyeol  
From: Kyungsoo**

_I can’t._

 

When there isn’t a reply, Kyungsoo texts him again.

 

**To: Park Chanyeol  
From: Kyungsoo**

_I need more than a text. I need more than a call._

 

**To: Kyungsoo  
From: Park Chanyeol**

_what do you need?_

 

**To: Park Chanyeol  
From: Kyungsoo**

_I just know that a phone call or a text isn’t enough for me right now. Figure it out, Chanyeol._

 

**To: Kyungsoo  
From: Park Chanyeol**

_okay. you’re right_

➳➳➳

Kyungsoo doesn’t know what he’s waiting for. He knows he’s waiting for something, though.

Sleep is taking over him, but the moment ends when there’s a knock on his door and his heart nearly jumps out of his chest.

Kyungsoo stood up quickly - there’s flashes of light filling his eyes and his head goes light. It’s two in the morning and he doesn’t want to know who’s behind the door.

Kyungsoo can see Chanyeol’s silhouette in the moonlight through the window. He uses up all his strength to open the door, bracing himself for the person standing in front of him.

And there he is.

Chanyeol hates it, because - he’s still, so, so beautiful.

Still beautiful from the night he met him, when he laid eyes on him. He can still see the pre-debut boy, only seventeen, in the twenty-seven year old he is now.

He imagines frost on his favourite heart-shaped lips and traces of wind in his hair, wrinkled clothes and memories go back to a a year ago when he looked like that, when Kyungsoo grabbed him by the waist and pulled him into the back of their car. The windows were white with frost and he remembers the sounds Kyungsoo made when his cold fingers touched his body, mapping every single constellation on his skin, radiating with heat and he hates it. He hates that he doesn't have him. Because Kyungsoo’s still so, fucking beautiful.

On the other side, Kyungsoo wonders - have two people ever looked at each other with only a threshold holding them apart, but all the same, so much lying broken in between them?

“Hi,” Chanyeol breathed, warm air turning into white coming from his lips. He doesn’t speak.

“Please, say something. That voicemail can’t be the last time I hear your voice,” he said quietly. “I’m here now, I walked six miles at two in the morning, because you said you needed more than a phone call. And I don’t know what else to do, okay, just - say something. Anything.”

Kyungsoo thinks, if he closes the door with nothing to say - that the words that just came out of his mouth are going to make him leave, this would have been the last chance. He’ll never do this again.

And Kyungsoo’s still so fucking mad at him.

He leaves him there, on the front step, with no word, going back inside and into his room, grabbing his car keys. Nothing else.

When Kyungsoo comes back, Chanyeol’s walking away and the burden of giving up is hanging heavy on his shoulders. The sound of his footsteps in the snow make him turn around and he returns a hard stare. “Come with me,” is all Kyungsoo says.

➳➳➳

Chanyeol’s heart is beating hard in his chest.

They’re driving through the quiet, illuminated streets of Seoul.

He’s never seen it so deserted. So empty. He didn’t think it would be.

“Where are we going?” he asked. He looked out the window, and they were driving across a bridge, over the frozen river.

Kyungsoo just stared straight ahead, two hands on the wheel. “I don’t know,” he murmured. “But when I know - when I want to - we’re going to stop. And we’re going to talk, because I don’t want to do this here, or back there. Because, if I’m happy with you, I’ll drive you back home.

Maybe I won’t.”

➳➳➳

The car is parked at a lookout over Seoul, and he can see everything. From the skyscrapers to the building lights illuminating the frozen, black sky above them. The stars are no where to be seen.

Kyungsoo’s sitting on the hood of his car as Chanyeol waits inside. A while, is how long he waits. A while is how long he’s sitting there, how long he’s looking over the city - how long he’s thinking. Kyungsoo’s doing the exact same thing.

Chanyeol’s trying to calm himself down and he tells himself to be strong in this. In everything that there is. Especially this.

Then he watches as Kyungsoo makes his way back, opening the door and going back inside. Chanyeol’s fidgeting and waiting for him to say something. He turns his head slightly to look at him and he knows that’s he’s scared. He told himself that he would be strong, but, just looking at him was making him scared. He was scared because he didn’t want to see him hurt - he didn’t want to go back to that night. But they were going to.

Kyungsoo’s staring straight ahead. “This is how it’s going to work,” he said. “You’re going to answer every question I ask you. You ask none.”

He doesn’t wait for him to respond. He takes a deep breath. “Are you doing okay?”

Chanyeol’s almost taken aback by how calm he is. “No, I’m not.”

“Who have you been with?”

“Jongin and Sehun.”

“What about Jongdae and Baekhyun?”

“I doubt they want to see me.”

“Not even Junmyeon?”

Chanyeol’s heart breaks at the sound of his name. He misses him so much - he was the epitome of the most amazing brother that anyone could have. Everyone deserved him - but in reality, everyone took advantage of him. Being the leader of EXO was hard - no one realised that until he broke down, receiving the news that EXO were disbanding. Those years he worked as a trainee - being the first trainee from EXO; he didn’t believe it paid off enough. He didn’t believe he was enough.

Now, after hearing what Chanyeol did to Kyungsoo, Suho doesn’t even want to breathe the same air as him. He didn’t want to know that someone he’s known for years could do such a thing. Kyungsoo doesn’t wait for him to answer, because the look on his face says it all.

“How have you been?” Chanyeol asked softly, but he stopped himself from saying anything else. “No, I’m sorry, I wasn’t supposed to-“

“I don’t know. My ex-boyfriend cheated on me, I gave you a fucking voicemail that felt like a million bullets, you come out of the blue apologising. I don’t know, Chanyeol. What would you be feeling if you were me?” Kyungsoo’s voice is vicious and full of poison.

“Were you still with him after we broke up?” Kyungsoo continued.

“No. I haven’t seen him since. God forbid, I didn’t even know his name.”

“Don’t lie to me.”

“Kyungsoo, I’m not lying. I’d never lie to you.”

“Bullshit,” Kyungsoo muttered. He finally looked at him with glassy eyes. “Tell me - why did you do it? Why?”

Chanyeol reminded himself he needed to be strong. “Kyungsoo,” he said brokenly, his eyes looking anywhere but Kyungsoo’s.

“You need to look at me,” Kyungsoo said sternly and Chanyeol looked up. He took that moment to really take in Kyungsoo, to take in what he’s been feeling for the past five months. His eyes were full of pain. Everyday Chanyeol was with Kyungsoo, his eyes were anything but pain. They were the most beautiful eyes.

“Why did you do it? Tell me,” Kyungsoo’s voice cracked and his heart broke. “Please.”

“It won’t be enough, Kyungsoo,” he rose his voice, trying to stop the tears from falling. “It won’t be, I know it won’t.”

“Just,” he breathed one more time. “Tell me.”

“I got scared, okay? We were moving countries! We were leaving our friends and family behind, for God’s sake. We were leaving everything behind.”

“I told you to tell me if you wanted out!” Kyungsoo finally snapped.

“But that was after I did it!” Chanyeol yelled back at him.

“You’re smart enough to tell me before! You’re right - that’s not enough. You can’t sleep with someone and get away with it, because I won’t let you,” Kyungsoo said, dry anger in both of their voices.

“Kyungsoo,” he breathed. “I knew everything, okay? Of course I wanted to go with you, of course I wanted to move countries! It’s all I ever wanted. But then I found out you had bigger plans, to start a family. I found out because you were telling everyone, without me knowing! We’re twenty-seven and twenty-eight, I know, we can’t wait forever but I wasn’t ready. I was scared, I mean, how can I not be? Eleven years ago, we were teenagers in love and now you want to start a family? Kyungsoo, you sound like me. I’m always so excited to jump to things at the opportunity and you know me, I’m the stupidest person on Earth! I get it, but you need to tell me these things. We weren’t supposed to go anywhere, not go down this path. We would’ve if you just told me. I got drunk, I got upset, and I slept with someone else. Yes, I’m fucking sorry! I’m so sorry, Kyungsoo. I’m sorry.”

Kyungsoo forgot. He forgot about everything. All he wanted to do was do something with his life. Do something big, do something he’d never forget. He always wanted a family.

“You’re not stupid, Chanyeol,” Kyungsoo murmured. "I never meant to say that, I got carried away,” he said, shaking his head. “God, I was the one who was stupid. I was so happy. I wanted to do everything with you, okay? You were the light of my life. It was a mistake. Why couldn’t you just have told me?” Kyungsoo said, running his hands through his hair.

“I couldn’t have let you down, Kyungsoo. I knew that. I knew you were happy. But I wasn’t ready. Of course I was happy too. I’m always happy when I’m with you. I was just scared. Do you know what kind of person you are to let down? We didn’t see or speak to each other for five months. That’s the kind of person you are to let down.”

“But then you go and sleep with someone else? Why are you asking what kind of person I am to let down when you do that? Like that’s not going to let me down, ever. Like that wasn’t going to make the whole situation worse!”

“I said that it wasn’t going to be enough. But you asked why I did and I told you. That’s all I can give,” Chanyeol said.

Then Kyungsoo realises. He turns away from him, shutting his eyes and biting his lip hard enough to draw blood. “I should’ve known,” he said. “I didn’t do anything.”

“Kyungsoo, it’s not your fault,” he said. “It’ll never be your fault.”

Kyungsoo turned to him again. “It is my fault,” he said. “It’s going to be my fault and it’ll be yours too. But not right now, because it’s mine. The thing is, you couldn’t tell me,” he started to cry and he can’t even speak. Kyungsoo feels Chanyeol’s arms around him, and he wants to pull away but he can’t. He doesn’t want to.

“I’m so sorry,” Chanyeol whispered. “It’s my fault, not yours. Not now. It was almost never your fault and I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry that I hurt you, that I broke you. I’m sorry that I messed everything up - I just,” he stammered. “I’m sorry.”

But then Kyungsoo pulls away from him and he refuses. “You can’t do that, no. You don’t get to do that. Nothing’s going to get better because you’re repeating a stupid, worthless word all the time. It’s not fair.”

Chanyeol opens his mouth but he cut him off. “I don’t trust you right now, but I still - I still love you. It’ll never go away, I just - I don’t understand this. I hate you but I still love you. How can you say those things when you did this?”

Finally, there’s tears in his eyes. It’s hard to believe Kyungsoo broke before Chanyeol did. “For five months, Kyungsoo, I was so fucking miserable-“

Kyungsoo scoffed. “Join the club.”

“No one talked to me. No one picked up the phone. Our friends hated me, even our manager hated me. Suho hated me. Everyone did. One of them lectured me for a full hour but guess what? I didn’t care.”

Kyungsoo looked up at him. “What?”

“When I went home, I despised it. I wanted to come back home, to my actual home. What you were, where you were. I wanted to come home. Wherever you are. And I know that might not even happen - that it won’t work out. But right now, I want to go home, because when I was seventeen, I was a trainee, you were too, and I saw you on that stage with the most beautiful voice I’ve ever heard in my entire life but you grew into the most humble, loving, hard-working person that I’ve come to known. I mean, your singing got better. That’s when I had that lame, stupid teenage crush on you and had no hope. Calling your name every second of the day, doing everything to make you notice me.

When we were eighteen, that’s when you noticed me. Thank God you did. We became best friends. Closer than ever. I met your brother, I met your family. I felt loved. When we were nineteen, we debuted, we finally fell in love. Even though we had to hide everything on stage. I mean, I was kind of waiting for it,” he started to smile.

Kyungsoo shook his head. “That can’t be true, because you slept with someone else.”

“But, when that happened, I was drunk. I know alcohol can’t condemn for what I did but I cried my heart out. I lost my voice. I had an anxiety attack. I broke stuff. I came home and I went a full day before I couldn’t do it anymore because I know I can’t lie to you,” he said. “I don’t know what to do, and if you tell me what it is, I’ll do it. I’ll do it for you, because you’re my favourite person in the world and you were the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I want you to believe that again. Let me.”

He was too tired to keep crying and Kyungsoo wants to go home.

➳➳➳

So it’s five in the morning and Chanyeol’s at his door.

Kyungsoo’s too tired to tell him to leave again.

“You should go home,” Kyungsoo murmured, gripping the door handle with white knuckles. He watches Chanyeol as he shut his eyes and it almost looks like he would never open them again. But when he does, there aren’t any tears.

He’s broken inside. Kyungsoo steps down from the threshold and puts his hand on his arm, soothing him. Chanyeol swears to himself he’ll never forget it. “I need a few days. I promise I’ll call you.”

Kyungsoo took his hand away from him. “It hurts,” Chanyeol said, his voice cracking and he refused to look at him.

“I know. Of course it does,” Kyungsoo breathed. “That’s how we know how much we loved each other.”

And with that, Kyungsoo let him go.

➳➳➳

Kyungsoo gave himself six days and he has to make a decision.

He looks up at the building before him, setting foot in the revolving doors and making his way inside. The warmth engulfed him, as he looked around the room, decorated with marble floors and wooden walls - the building he knew all too well, had changed too much for him to even recognise.

He walked up to the front desk. “Welcome to the S.M. Entertainment, how may I help you?” the woman behind the desk said, looking up with a beaming smile on his face. “Do Kyungsoo?”

To be honest, he doesn’t recognise her.

“That’s me,” Kyungsoo scratched the back of his head. “I was wondering if Kim Junmyeon was here?“

“He is, he’s in the practice room,” the woman said, before Kyungsoo nodded to her and made his way to the elevator.

➳➳➳

Walking down the hallway to the dance studio, he bumped into a person much shorter than him. “Oh, I’m sorry-“ Kyungsoo started before a voice interrupted him.

“Kyungsoo!”

Kyungsoo blinked at the person. “Minseok?” His eyes landed on the person behind him. “Yixing?”

Minseok laughed. “What are you doing here? How are you?”

“I guess I’m doing okay,” Kyungsoo said. “I - I need to talk to Junmyeon. Is he here?”

“He is,” Yixing said, giving a gentle smile as Kyungsoo bowed for the both of them, before walking past them.

Kyungsoo turned around to see them walking away. “We need to catch up sometime, yeah?” He said, his voice booming down the hall.

Minseok and Yixing both smiled at him. Kyungsoo took that as a yes.

Kyungsoo opened the door, greeted by the smell of sweat and the feel of humidity in the air. His nose scrunched up, before his eyes landed on an all-too familiar Kim Junmyeon.

“Junmyeon,” Kyungsoo said, making all the faces turn around to look at him. The new boy band group practicing for their debut talking in the corner now set their focus on Kyungsoo, also known as former member of EXO - to them.

Junmyeon burst into a smile and walked over to him. “I missed you,” He said, hugging him. “I haven’t seen any of the members besides Yixing and Minseok ever since. How are you?“

Kyungsoo swore his heart broke, watching Junmyeon’s expression change. He’ll never understand how hard it was for Junmyeon, when EXO disbanded. “Hey, I missed you a whole lot more. I hope you’re doing well.”

Junmyeon laughed softly, hitting him on the shoulder. He watched as Kyungsoo walked around the room, and there’s a feeling of nostalgia resting in his chest. “So,” Junmyeon started, making Kyungsoo turn around. “Are you okay?”

Kyungsoo took one last glance at the new group in the corner. He smiled, being reminded of their own trainee period. “No, not really.“

Junmyeon walked over to him, his hand resting on Kyungsoo’s lower back before they made their way outside the room, closing the door behind them. “What’s wrong?”

“He cheated on me.”

“Yeah, I know.”

Kyungsoo shook his head. “No, not Chanyeol, I mean he did, but-“

“Oh, Kyungsoo,” Junmyeon whispered, putting his hand on his arm. “I’m not a man of romance, but hey. They don’t deserve you. You’re too good for them,” he looked up at Kyungsoo and his eyes were sad. But in Kyungsoo’s head, he thought - Junmyeon hasn’t changed a bit. His facial expression changed. Junmyeon looked into his eyes. “There’s something you’re not telling me. I can read you like a book. You can’t expect me to not know when something’s wrong when I’ve basically been all of yours’ daddy-o for the past eight years. What’s going on?”

Kyungsoo faced him and he took a deep breath, laughing a little bit at “daddy-o”. “You’re so lame,” Kyungsoo sighed before straightening up. "You were the first person I thought of so I could get this off my chest,” he said. “I need to ask you something and you need to tell me the truth.” Junmyeon nodded.

“Do you think,” Kyungsoo stammered. “Do you think I’m weak if I take him back? If I take Chanyeol back?”

“Kyungsoo,” Junmyeon chuckled, becoming serious. “You are seriously the last person I know that’s not weak. You are far from it. I know you’re not. Ever since from day one - you were one of the strongest members in our group. As long as you’re the first person who has the first say in this decision, you’re not weak. You’re not weak if you do that. I think forgiving someone is one of the strongest things a person can do. I know that, because it always hard for me to forgive.”

“I haven’t forgiven him yet. I can’t, I mean - I don’t know how, if I was going to,” Kyungsoo said. “But, you’re right.”

“What can I say? I was the first trainee from EXO.”

Kyungsoo laughed. He doesn’t know how Junmyeon can act like this when he broke down before. “Seriously, you’ve done so much for me. I don’t think I can ever repay you.”

“You don’t need to,” Junmyeon smiled at him. “I think - if you’re here, if you see me, it’ll remind me that I’m not alone. That I didn’t do anything wrong in that time when we were a group. How we conquered the world and all that. I’ll know that I’m still something to you guys. But you - you continued to get out of bed and lived every single day. Not me. I mean, yeah, me, but mostly you.”

“You’re still so stupid,” Kyungsoo bit his lip and he hugged him again. “Thank you. For everything.”

Junmyeon pulled away from Kyungsoo and put his hands on his shoulders.

“If I’m going to be honest, I was waiting for you to do this. I miss Chanyeol a lot, okay? So go get him.”

➳➳➳

“Kyungsoo?” His voice is shaking on the other side of the phone.

“Hi. Okay, hi. Sorry, I just - I’ve been thinking. You know. If you’re not busy or anything, do you-“ Do you want to come over, is what he wants to ask. “Do you want to come home?” He asks instead. And he means it.

“Are you sure?”

“No, I’m not. But, I want you to come home. Just try.”

There’s a silence on the other end of the line, followed by a single breath.

“Okay.”

➳➳➳

So when Kyungsoo opens the door on their first night, everything feels different. It’s hard to comprehend and hard to process.

There’s a space of emptiness and brokenness that sits quietly in between them. Every touch is going to be uncertain and unpredictable, because when they’re meant to be close, when they accidentally touch each other, they’d pull away.

Then there’s the one time where he woke up in the middle of the night, Kyungsoo breathing softly next to him. Chanyeol realises that he’s missed that so, so much, that he can’t even take it. So he sleeps in the other room, and when he wakes up in the morning, there’s a pair of lonely eyes watching him, soon fading away.

But they keep trying and they know it’ll only get better.

When Kyungsoo comes home one evening, he’s not there. He panics, and he can’t settle - he won’t know what to do if one more person cheats on him. Only after that, a few seconds after, Chanyeol comes through the door with grocery bags hanging off his arm, oblivious to the fact that he was right there. Chanyeol locks the door behind him and drops the bags to the ground with a loud sigh and he finally sees him, seeing it all over his face - the worry, the panic - but then he feels the relief settles in. Kyungsoo realises the guilt resting upon Chanyeol’s face when he saw him.

I’m sorry, I promise I always come back home. Chanyeol would hug him, kiss him, and make him know that everything was going to be okay. Make him know that everything is going to be okay.

Chanyeol always did come back home.

They kissed each other goodnight for the first time in what was now three months since they got back together. As they laid next to each other, Chanyeol tugged on his fingers and rested his thumb on his wrist, where his tattoo was, where his pulse was. Kyungsoo thought - this might last.

He hopes it will.

There are days when they feel they can’t do it, but it works. They go on endless dates - dinners they can’t afford, Sunday markets, Kyungsoo’s gigs, Chanyeol’s live shooting of his new movie, you name it.

Kyungsoo would be hanging around in the back, sitting on a bar stool with a soft smile on his face as Chanyeol sang his heart away, his steady fingers strumming the thin strings of the guitar, knowing that song is for him.

Chanyeol would stand behind the camera, or at least try to - amongst all the staff members as Kyungsoo shot a scene and would flinch whenever the director yelled cut - because Chanyeol would get accidentally get in the shot or whisper that Kyungsoo was doing great, which was picked up by the boom mic.

There are endless nights when they talk and when they don’t talk at all. They don’t need to, because they’re okay.

It’ll last.

They both know it.

➳➳➳

There’s shifting between the sheets as Chanyeol put his arm around Kyungsoo’s chest. He doesn’t move. Chanyeol looks up at him and he knows he’s not asleep.

“Kyungsoo, are you awake?” he murmured into his shoulder.

“Hm,” Kyungsoo stirred. “What’s on your mind?”

“Do you ever think - do you ever wonder if the stars watch us the same way we watch them?” Chanyeol breathed on his skin, playing with the loose piece of string that hung from his sleeve.

“Are you high?” Kyungsoo laughed.

“Oh, shut up,” he laughed too. “I just - I think about a million things here, before I sleep. I think about you the most. You’re always my last thought.”

Kyungsoo stays silent, taking it all in.

“I don’t know,” he whispered. “I’ve just always wanted to say that. To let you know. I mean, when you think about it - over seven billion strangers on Earth and you were the one I let in,” he said. They stay in that position for a good five minutes before he breaks the silence, saying, “I love you, you know.”

Kyungsoo sighs, happily. He smiles, and it almost feels like his breath was taken away. He kisses his forehead softly and they know they’ve both missed this. “Turns out, I love you too.”

And there’s no more awkward silences between them - more like, comfortable silences. Every second that passes when they’re together, a silence will fill the air and their bodies, their beating hearts and souls will do the talking for them.

When they share this room and this bed, there’s light years that lies in between them. Neither of them can find the way back. They’ll keep it that way.

Everything falls back into place.

Everything fixes slowly.

The two of them fix last - and that’s okay.

“I’ll always want what’s best for you. Even when that means I’m gone.”

**fin.**


End file.
